Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
