Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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