so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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