Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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