A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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