She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We are all done wearing pants today
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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