Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
