I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
