Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
