The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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