her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize