Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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