my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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