And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
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I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
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No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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