it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
