So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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