weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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