I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
