Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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