What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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