who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I currently don't understand fingers.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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