you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
