his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
