apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
