whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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