Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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