please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
