Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
