Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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