just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
