If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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