using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
