so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
