: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
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You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you