You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.