Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(301): View more from Maryland

: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

but u need boobs to get one in the first place.

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(415): View more from California

No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.

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(217): View more from Illinois

This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child

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Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Read it at the TFLN blog
(519): View more from Ontario

You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal

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(540): View more from Virginia

(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?

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(454): View more from

Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you

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