it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
i've created a new STD.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.