Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.