Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We don't watch enough power rangers
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
