His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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