my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
