Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
