My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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