Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
