ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
