STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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