Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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