She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
