FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
