you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
