god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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