I cannot find my penis.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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