Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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