my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
BRING THE BAGELS
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
