Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
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My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
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We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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