just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
