you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
