I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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