I accidentally burped into my bong.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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