Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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