I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
