I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
