I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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