fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
